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Being infertile can be stressful – and so can being
an infertility specialist ! The infertile patients who get pregnant move
on to their obstetrician and then their pediatrician – but the ones who
don’t get pregnant come back again with loads of questions !
Patients need a shoulder to cry on, and I am happy
to provide this, but often there are so many questions , and very few
answers.
Why did the cycle fail ?
What do I do next ?
How many embryos should I transfer ?
Should I do another cycle or should I adopt ?
Unfortunately, we can only explain about one-third
of things which happen ; one-third is educated guessing; and about one
third we have no idea and can't explain why it happened. It's not much
fun not having the answers, but this can be a humbling experience ! This
is why I prefer treating well-informed patients, who have realistic
expectations of what we can do - and what we can't !
As a doctor, I am the “expert” , and it’s very
tempting to tell patients what to do – to provide all the answers. In
fact, many patients expect this, and are quite upset when I refuse to
tell them what to do next. I ask them to decide for themselves, since I
believe in non-directive counseling . I feel I need to empower my
patients , so they can make their own decisions for themselves ! I
promise them I will never let them make a wrong decision, but when there
are choices, they need to decide for themselves.
This is why I read extensively, and I especially
enjoy reading books written by infertile patients, in which authors use
their personal experience to teach other infertile couples how to cope.
A very useful book I read recently was the “ Infertility Survival
Handbook - Everything you never thought you’d need to know “ , by
Elizabeth Falker , a lawyer who has “been there, done that”.
She has three extremely clever rules which I think
are well worth repeating . Rule One is the Clean Slate Rule which
states, Start with a clean slate , whenever possible . Infertility
treatment is a process - and it can be a very long process . It’s a war,
not just a battle, which means every new attempt is a fresh attempt, and
a new chance at success. The good news is that failed attempts do not
harm you – except for the damage they cause to your psyche and your
wallet ! They can actually make you even stronger and better prepared.
This means that every time you start a new cycle, it’s best to wipe the
slate clean and pretend you’re starting from scratch. As Scarlett O’Hara
said in Gone With the Wind, “Tomorrow is another day “ !
Rule Two: The Infertility Roller Coaster is horrible
for everyone .
1. Everyone has bad days .
2. This stuff is really hard for everyone to deal with .
3. For every bad day , there is a day that will be better .
It’s helpful to create a “ care package “ for yourself , so that on the
days when you’re really feeling down and everything seems to be going
wrong , you can pamper yourself . Dealing with infertility will teach
you how resilient you really are , and how much adversity the human
spirit can learn to deal with.
Rule Three: Treating infertility is like peeling an
onion . There are a lot of layers - and nothing ever seems to be
straightforward . You fix one problem , and then you discover another ;
you do 2 IVF cycles and then you need to have surgery to remove a
polyp; you get pregnant , and then you miscarry . It seems like you take
two steps forward and then three steps back. You just have to keep
peeling the layers away until you eventually reach your goal – and just
like peeling an onion will make you cry , so will being infertile.
The final chapter “ Making your infertility work
for you - yes , infertility can be a good thing .. “ is one which is
full of hope. Infertility causes anger, hurt and confusion, but also
offers the greatest potential for growth . This experience will change
your life – and whether it changes it for the better is upto you. As
Elizabeth Falker ends, “ I’m
infertile ! This is who I am. This is my blessing. “
Living through infertility can be hard, but the
experience can be life-changing. While some couples become bitter and
unhappy because of all the struggle and stress they have to go through,
and complain that life is unfair, others become much kinder , nicer
better people , who are much more empathetic, because they have been
through pain and suffering themselves. Similarly, while some marriages
buckle down under the stress of infertility, others become much stronger
and sturdier.
Life chooses unusual ways to teach us its lessons –
and for many infertile couples, the lessons infertility can teach are
priceless. If you can cope with living through infertility, you’ll find
it much easier to deal with any of the other “slings and arrows” life
can throw at you – and you’ll find that dealing with them is now a peace
of cake ! I agree this is hard-earned wisdom, and I wish there was an
easier way to learn this, but that’s the way life is – most of us learn
only from adversity. Life only teaches us its most important lessons
from the difficult times we go through – which is when we discover our
inner strengths, tap into our hidden resources, and find out who our
real friends are.
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